Pamela.a.lee: If I was hillary I would have divorced bill
Bill clinton: If hillary was pamela this would not have happened.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Story of SANTA and BANTA
Once Santa and Banta both were beaten badly and were lying on the hospital beds..here is the conversation between them.
SANTA: oye Banta what happened with you?
BANTA: Yaar I was coming in the bus, with a packet of photographs in my hand, suddenly the packet fell downand I started to recollect the photographs.
SANTA: then what happened?
BANTA: One photo was lying under a woman, I said mam will u please lift your skirt I have to take a photograph, and the whole crowd beat me cruely.
BANTA: But what happened with you?
SANTA: One day when I was on a tour, I lost my whole money so I requested a man to let me stay for the night in his house, but he refused saying that "I have got one grown up daughter so i'm sorry", then I asked another man he also refused saying that " I have got two grown up daughters so i'm sorry", then I knocked the third door and asked "sir do you have any grown up daughter, I have to stay for the night".
SANTA: oye Banta what happened with you?
BANTA: Yaar I was coming in the bus, with a packet of photographs in my hand, suddenly the packet fell downand I started to recollect the photographs.
SANTA: then what happened?
BANTA: One photo was lying under a woman, I said mam will u please lift your skirt I have to take a photograph, and the whole crowd beat me cruely.
BANTA: But what happened with you?
SANTA: One day when I was on a tour, I lost my whole money so I requested a man to let me stay for the night in his house, but he refused saying that "I have got one grown up daughter so i'm sorry", then I asked another man he also refused saying that " I have got two grown up daughters so i'm sorry", then I knocked the third door and asked "sir do you have any grown up daughter, I have to stay for the night".
Heaven Or Hell Which Is Better?
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: You're a day late.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: You're a day late.
Thats Life
I don't want to go to office today! (Visual Joke)
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Oh god... My stomach is aching... I cant come to office...
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Y u r not listening to me only... I will not come to office
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leave me... I wont come to office... leave me alone!
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But finally... brought into office... my life got spoiled
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This bug will not get fixed and this stupid boss will not leave me..
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ohoo... how to fix these bugs... God pls help me
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When life is hard and Saturday is still away,
there is only one thing to do!
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Oh god... My stomach is aching... I cant come to office...
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Y u r not listening to me only... I will not come to office
.
.
.
leave me... I wont come to office... leave me alone!
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.
.
But finally... brought into office... my life got spoiled
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This bug will not get fixed and this stupid boss will not leave me..
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ohoo... how to fix these bugs... God pls help me
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When life is hard and Saturday is still away,
there is only one thing to do!
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What is confidence?????
What is confidence?
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."
This is Confidence!!!
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."
This is Confidence!!!
Doctor.....Really?
The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous beauty.
"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained som of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!
"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained som of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!
Special Classes for Men!
Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Collection of famous quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu
1. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.
3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."
5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!
10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the Indians are in the sea.
12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin a haystack.
13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.
18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain T&T "Eddie ichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."
22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
30. Kumble's bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.
2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.
3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."
5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!
10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the Indians are in the sea.
12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin a haystack.
13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.
18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain T&T "Eddie ichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."
22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
30. Kumble's bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.
Ballerina....!.
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
However, down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
"As far as I'm concerned," the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
However, down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
"As far as I'm concerned," the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Similarities...........Lets see
Q:) Whats the similar thing between america's national flag and monica's skirt ?
A:) Both are hoisted by Mr. Clinton.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
Obviously written by some male chauvinist - hope you can 'handle it'?
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than half of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ...and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than half of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ...and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
INDIAN JOINT VENTURES
10. A chain of "Bhaskar-RaoBins" ice cream stores all over the country, in collaboration with Baskin Robins.
9. Kraft will make "PARAMESAN CHEESE" at Madras, in collaboration with Parameswaran & Co.
8. Kentucky Fried Chicken will open its chain of Indian version, to be named, "KARNATAKI FLY-ED CHICKEN" and will be headquartered at Bangalore.
7. Pizza Hut will open a chain, in the back alleys of all cities, its version, to be named:"PICHHE HUT". Headquarters: Kanpur.
6. McDonalds will open its fast food restaurants to be named:"McDosalu". Headquarters-Hyderabad. Main menu: Idli and Dosa.
5. Mr. Submarine will name its restaurants as "Mr. SUBRAMANI", to be headquartered at Madras.
4. Red Carpets colored with biodegradable & environment friendly Red Paan Juice extracts.
3. Dallas Cowboys will own a new franchise: Dilli's COW-BHAIS which will be usefull in learning to play Football.. with hands.
2. Duty-free import of Ambassador cars into USA, as long as they are not used outside of Demolition Derby.
1. Internal Revenue Service will provide technology transfer of its Tax System software to Indian Income Tax Dept and to be named: "UNCLE SHYAM".
9. Kraft will make "PARAMESAN CHEESE" at Madras, in collaboration with Parameswaran & Co.
8. Kentucky Fried Chicken will open its chain of Indian version, to be named, "KARNATAKI FLY-ED CHICKEN" and will be headquartered at Bangalore.
7. Pizza Hut will open a chain, in the back alleys of all cities, its version, to be named:"PICHHE HUT". Headquarters: Kanpur.
6. McDonalds will open its fast food restaurants to be named:"McDosalu". Headquarters-Hyderabad. Main menu: Idli and Dosa.
5. Mr. Submarine will name its restaurants as "Mr. SUBRAMANI", to be headquartered at Madras.
4. Red Carpets colored with biodegradable & environment friendly Red Paan Juice extracts.
3. Dallas Cowboys will own a new franchise: Dilli's COW-BHAIS which will be usefull in learning to play Football.. with hands.
2. Duty-free import of Ambassador cars into USA, as long as they are not used outside of Demolition Derby.
1. Internal Revenue Service will provide technology transfer of its Tax System software to Indian Income Tax Dept and to be named: "UNCLE SHYAM".
Why One Should Listen To Gossip
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"
Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"Triple filter?"
That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the Filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"
Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"Triple filter?"
That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the Filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife.
Unlocking Men - Translations for Men
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say!
IT'S A GUY THING
Translated:* There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
Translated:* Why isn't it already on the table?
UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
Translated:* I have no idea how it works.
TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.
Translated:* I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.
Translated:* Are you still talking?
YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.
Translated:* I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned but I forgot your birthday.
OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
Translated:* I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.
HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.
Translated:* And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.
I CAN'T FIND IT.
Translated:* It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Translated:* What did you catch me at?
I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
Translated:* No one will ever see us alive again.
WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.
Translated:* I make the messes; she cleans them up.
IT'S A GUY THING
Translated:* There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
Translated:* Why isn't it already on the table?
UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
Translated:* I have no idea how it works.
TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.
Translated:* I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.
Translated:* Are you still talking?
YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.
Translated:* I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned but I forgot your birthday.
OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
Translated:* I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.
HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.
Translated:* And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.
I CAN'T FIND IT.
Translated:* It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Translated:* What did you catch me at?
I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
Translated:* No one will ever see us alive again.
WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.
Translated:* I make the messes; she cleans them up.
The EMPLOYEMENT SEEKER
1) My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2) Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3) After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4) Next,I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5) Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6) My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
7) I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
8) Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit.
9) I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
10) I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
11) So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
12) After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
13) My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
14) SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
2) Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3) After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4) Next,I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5) Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6) My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
7) I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
8) Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit.
9) I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
10) I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
11) So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
12) After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
13) My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
14) SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.
Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab.
Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over US and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."
All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The Surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"
Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over US and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."
All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The Surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"
Campaign Funds
A politician was presenting his argument before the party’s finance committee. “I want a million dollars for my campaign,� he said.
“But your campaign won’t cost that much,� protested the committee members.
“I know that,� said the politician, “but in case I lose I want to be able to live comfortably.�
Ravan Behosh Hogaya................why?
One day Ravan went to a disco
aur wahan jaakar woh behosh ho gaya...........
Batao kyun?
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bcoz it was written on the gate than "entry fee Rs.1500 per head"
aur wahan jaakar woh behosh ho gaya...........
Batao kyun?
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bcoz it was written on the gate than "entry fee Rs.1500 per head"
KAAM SHAALA TRULY Rang de basanti ishtyle! ....
NO work load
NO work load
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
na koi kaam karne wala
na koi appraisal pane wala
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
kaisa ye sannata hai…
kaam kyun nahi koi karta hai..
Charo aur machta Shor hai.
har koi kaam chor hai… (Drum beats…)
phokat ki sub khate hai..
mail check kar, chale jate hai..
kuch fwd ki kuch receive ki
jo kaam ki nahi use delete ki.. (Drum beats…)
NO work load
NO work load
NO- NO NO work Load
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
Bench per rahane se sikhi humne Makkari
Project ke kam se hogye hum Sarkari
Aakho main ek sapna hai
Amir sub ko banna hai
Kaam na karne ki humari Aadat ha
i Yahi to humari asli Daulat hai.
NO work load
NO work load
apni to kaam-shala
masti ki kaam-shala
apni to kaam-shala
masti ki kaam-shala
NO work load
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
na koi kaam karne wala
na koi appraisal pane wala
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
kaisa ye sannata hai…
kaam kyun nahi koi karta hai..
Charo aur machta Shor hai.
har koi kaam chor hai… (Drum beats…)
phokat ki sub khate hai..
mail check kar, chale jate hai..
kuch fwd ki kuch receive ki
jo kaam ki nahi use delete ki.. (Drum beats…)
NO work load
NO work load
NO- NO NO work Load
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
apni to kaam-shala masti ki kaam-shala
Bench per rahane se sikhi humne Makkari
Project ke kam se hogye hum Sarkari
Aakho main ek sapna hai
Amir sub ko banna hai
Kaam na karne ki humari Aadat ha
i Yahi to humari asli Daulat hai.
NO work load
NO work load
apni to kaam-shala
masti ki kaam-shala
apni to kaam-shala
masti ki kaam-shala
Gavaskar.........ha ha ha
When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called "Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once. With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry! He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You named your movie `Gavaskar`, but didn?t show anything about me in it!". The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called `Border`, but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"
Ramesh Football
Mother - What's the matter, Ramesh?
Ramesh - I'm bored
Mother - Why don't you go and play football with Mahesh?
Ramesh - I'm tired of kicking him around!!
Ramesh - I'm bored
Mother - Why don't you go and play football with Mahesh?
Ramesh - I'm tired of kicking him around!!
My Wife is Missing!
A man calls into the police station and says,
"My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month." "Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."
"My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month." "Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."
Practicing
A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up a storm. He is using every bad word in the book. The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on. She finds her husband just sitting on the bed. She asks her husband, "honey, what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?" The husband looks up and replies, "no, I'm fine. I'm just practicing." The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and said, "practicing? Practicing for what?" Then the husband says, "India-Australia Cricket series starts tomorrow!"
Stupid Shayaries
Door se dekha to kuchh dikha nahi...
Dooor se dekhaaa...
to kuchh dikha nahi...
Paas jake dekhaa to kuchh tha hi nahi
Door se dekha to Patthhar dikhta tha...
Dooor se dekha...
to Patthharr dikhtaa thaa...
Paas jake dekha to...
suchmuch Patthhar hi thaa.
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha Paas gaya...
to bheeg gaya.
Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahi
Dooor se dekhaaa...
to kuchh dikha nahi...
Paas jake dekhaa to kuchh tha hi nahi
Door se dekha to Patthhar dikhta tha...
Dooor se dekha...
to Patthharr dikhtaa thaa...
Paas jake dekha to...
suchmuch Patthhar hi thaa.
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha Paas gaya...
to bheeg gaya.
Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahi
Gynaecology Conference
Gynaecology Conference In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated. French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon." English Gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was." French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."
Santa Funny
Santa was invited to Banta's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Jalebi, Honey, Pyaari, Darling, Sweetheart etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 40 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, Santa said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call bhabhiji those pet names."
Banta hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
While the wife was in the kitchen, Santa said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call bhabhiji those pet names."
Banta hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
Who's Daddy?
One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and announced, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside, "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife, but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I ahve fooled around with other women at lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married", she complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not real your father."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married", she complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not real your father."
When Bill met Monica...Bollywood Ishtyle
It all began on a day when Bill sat in the Oval Office and sang a number from Jewel Thief "Yeh Bill na hota bechara, kadam na hote awara," At that moment, Monica who was passing by the room, heard it and responded lustily from the corridor-"Bill, dhak dhak karne laga,mora jiyara darne laga.." And Bill, brimming with thrill, rushed to open the door, opened it and then realised that he is the President.
So he paused and looked helplessly at her (like Ajay Devgan in "pyaar to hona hi tha") but Monica could hear Kumar Sanu's song in the back ground "Jab kisi ki taraf Bill Jhukne lage, baat agar juban par rukne laga, bol do ke tumne pyar hone lage.." she was touched though he wasn't touching her yet, and said,"Dil Bill, pyaar vyar main kya janoo re.."
The next minute, when he saw the glint in her eyes, He realised there was hope and he gazed into Monica's eyes (like Bobby Deol in Kareeb, and sang "Chori chori jab Bill ne kaha, chori chori jab nazarein mili, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"Then he pulled her into his office (thinking Amir Khan in Ghulam) "Aankhon se toone yehkya keh diya ?" he asked her softly. "Bill ye deewana machalne laga.." Monica picked the cue and replied. "Yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hota na tha, mein hoon kahan main janoo na.." Bill closed the door of his office and turned to her with a mischevious smile-"Hum tum ek kamre mein bandh ho, aur chabi kho jaye.." The rest is History. But as something happened inside the oval office on that fateful day the security guards only heard AR Rahman's full throated title "Bill se, Bill se, Bill se...Bill to akhir Bill hai na.."
So he paused and looked helplessly at her (like Ajay Devgan in "pyaar to hona hi tha") but Monica could hear Kumar Sanu's song in the back ground "Jab kisi ki taraf Bill Jhukne lage, baat agar juban par rukne laga, bol do ke tumne pyar hone lage.." she was touched though he wasn't touching her yet, and said,"Dil Bill, pyaar vyar main kya janoo re.."
The next minute, when he saw the glint in her eyes, He realised there was hope and he gazed into Monica's eyes (like Bobby Deol in Kareeb, and sang "Chori chori jab Bill ne kaha, chori chori jab nazarein mili, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"Then he pulled her into his office (thinking Amir Khan in Ghulam) "Aankhon se toone yehkya keh diya ?" he asked her softly. "Bill ye deewana machalne laga.." Monica picked the cue and replied. "Yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hota na tha, mein hoon kahan main janoo na.." Bill closed the door of his office and turned to her with a mischevious smile-"Hum tum ek kamre mein bandh ho, aur chabi kho jaye.." The rest is History. But as something happened inside the oval office on that fateful day the security guards only heard AR Rahman's full throated title "Bill se, Bill se, Bill se...Bill to akhir Bill hai na.."
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Government Employee & Genie
A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.
Poof! A beer appeared.
Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.
"Oh, man this is the life," the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again."
And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!
"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.
Poof! A beer appeared.
Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.
"Oh, man this is the life," the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again."
And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!
Job Rejected? reply them with this!
Next time your application for a job is rejected... send this letter to that firm.
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].
After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].
After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
Political thoughts a poetic view!
The bigger the ego the thicker the skin,
The bigger the lie the smoother the spin,
The more the disdain the wider the grin -
There's only one goal and that is to win.
The promises made they never will keep,
The artful denial of prejudice deep,
The wondrous reforms that are not, but they're cheap -
The goal is the same. Who cares if we weep?
When to serve all the people is to serve only one,
To distribute the wealth is something they shun,
And the cudgel of fear has only begun -
Democracy's lost. Self interest has won!
The bigger the lie the smoother the spin,
The more the disdain the wider the grin -
There's only one goal and that is to win.
The promises made they never will keep,
The artful denial of prejudice deep,
The wondrous reforms that are not, but they're cheap -
The goal is the same. Who cares if we weep?
When to serve all the people is to serve only one,
To distribute the wealth is something they shun,
And the cudgel of fear has only begun -
Democracy's lost. Self interest has won!
This was President Bush favorite song for quite some time......
If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi,
And your alibi is shoddy,
And your tastes remain quite gaudy,
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think that SUVs,
Are the best thing since sliced cheese,
And your father you must please,
Bomb Iraq.
If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq.
If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq.
We assert that might makes right,
Burning oil is a delight,
For the empire we will fight,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain?t easy,
And your manhood?s getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We?ll call it treason,
It's the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi,
And your alibi is shoddy,
And your tastes remain quite gaudy,
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think that SUVs,
Are the best thing since sliced cheese,
And your father you must please,
Bomb Iraq.
If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq.
If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq.
We assert that might makes right,
Burning oil is a delight,
For the empire we will fight,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain?t easy,
And your manhood?s getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We?ll call it treason,
It's the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
Do You Know ...How These Names Came About!! (Part 1)
Adobe - came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock.
Apache - It got its name because its founders got started by applying patches to code written for NCSA's httpd daemon. The result was 'A PAtCHy' server -- thus, the name Apache
Apple Computers - favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 o'clock.
C - Dennis Ritchie improved on the B programming language and called it 'New B'. He later called it C. Earlier B was created by Ken Thompson as a revision of the Bon programming language (named after his wife Bonnie)
CISCO - its not an acronymn but the short for San Francisco.
Compaq - using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object.
GNU - a species of African antelope. Founder of the GNU project Richard Stallman liked the name because of the humour associated with its pronuniciation and was also influenced by the children's song 'The Gnu Song' which is a song sung by a gnu. Also it fitted into the recursive acronym culture with 'GNU's Not Unix'.
Google - the name started as a jokey boast about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders - Stanford grad students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'!
Hotmail - Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective upper casing.
HP - Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.
Intel - Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain, so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.
Java - Originally called Oak by creator James Gosling, from the tree that stood outside his window, the programming team had to look for a substitute as there was another language with the same name. Java was selected from a list of suggestions. It came from the name of the coffee that the programmers drank.
The politician
A politician visited a car factory. The manager went out of the way to show him around & at the end of the tour, offered the Minister a free car.
"Oh, no," said the Minister, "I cannot accept it."
"In that case I'll sell it to you for just Rupees five hundred."
The Minister handed the Manager two five-hundred rupee notes: "In that case, I'll have two."
"Oh, no," said the Minister, "I cannot accept it."
"In that case I'll sell it to you for just Rupees five hundred."
The Minister handed the Manager two five-hundred rupee notes: "In that case, I'll have two."
Difference
Q:) what is the difference between a cricket fielder and a condom?
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A:) one drops a catch and other catches a drop
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A:) one drops a catch and other catches a drop
Office Terminology for the New Millennium
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.
CLM -Career Limiting Move: Used to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.
CLM -Career Limiting Move: Used to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
The Driving Test
A Indian girl goes to take her driving test...she has studied very hard for this test. When she comes home from taking the test her friend asked her how she did on the test....
The Indian girl answered: Well the officer said I did very well, but I still don't understand why he gave me an "F" on gender.......
The Indian girl answered: Well the officer said I did very well, but I still don't understand why he gave me an "F" on gender.......
Smart Ass Johnny
Johnny always wanted to have sex with this hot blonde girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I will give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult with her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She said "The Son of Bitch used coins and I had to keep my word."
IT MUST BE TRUE, IT'S IN THE BIBLE
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Indian Election: Application Form
Name of Candidate: _______________________
Present Address
Name of Jail: _______________________
Cell Number: ________________________
(If not in Jail, attach proof of illegally occupied residence)
Political Party: _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological Order)
Sex : [ ]
Male
Female
Mayawathi
Nationality : [ ]
Italian
Indian
(if Indian attach attested copy of ration card, police certificate, passport, birth-certificate, electricity bill, phone bill and local goondas NOC. If Non-indian just Check box A)
Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
Defected
Expelled
Bought out
None of above
All of above
Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
To make money
To escape court trial
To grossly misuse power
To serve the public
I have no clue
(if you choose "D,- attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recogonised Government Psychiatrist)
How many years of public service experience do you possess ? [ ]
1-2 yrs
2-6yrs
6-15yrs
15+yrs
Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)
How many years have you spent in Jail ? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8)
1-2 years
2-6 years
6-15 years
15+years
Are you involved in any financial scams ? [ ]
Why not
Of Course
Definitely
I deny it all
see a foreign hand
What is your Annual Corruption Income ? [ ]
100-500 Crores
500-1000 Crores
Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)
Do you have any developmental plans for the country in mind? [ ]
No
No
No
No
Describe in space provided, your achievements :
Thumb Impresssion of candidate
Mera Bharat Mahan
Present Address
Name of Jail: _______________________
Cell Number: ________________________
(If not in Jail, attach proof of illegally occupied residence)
Political Party: _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological Order)
Sex : [ ]
Male
Female
Mayawathi
Nationality : [ ]
Italian
Indian
(if Indian attach attested copy of ration card, police certificate, passport, birth-certificate, electricity bill, phone bill and local goondas NOC. If Non-indian just Check box A)
Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
Defected
Expelled
Bought out
None of above
All of above
Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
To make money
To escape court trial
To grossly misuse power
To serve the public
I have no clue
(if you choose "D,- attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recogonised Government Psychiatrist)
How many years of public service experience do you possess ? [ ]
1-2 yrs
2-6yrs
6-15yrs
15+yrs
Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)
How many years have you spent in Jail ? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8)
1-2 years
2-6 years
6-15 years
15+years
Are you involved in any financial scams ? [ ]
Why not
Of Course
Definitely
I deny it all
see a foreign hand
What is your Annual Corruption Income ? [ ]
100-500 Crores
500-1000 Crores
Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)
Do you have any developmental plans for the country in mind? [ ]
No
No
No
No
Describe in space provided, your achievements :
Thumb Impresssion of candidate
Mera Bharat Mahan
Tid-Bits
Q: Whats the similarity between women and tornado?
A: They both blow you and take you house away....
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.
One more: "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
A: They both blow you and take you house away....
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.
One more: "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Marriage License
Inspired by the recent row over giving marriage licenses to gays, lesbians etc in the US
A scene at City Hall in San Francisco
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.
Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."!
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights!
The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
Now you would have to guess what could be next.
A scene at City Hall in San Francisco
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.
Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."!
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights!
The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
Now you would have to guess what could be next.
Marriage License
Inspired by the recent row over giving marriage licenses to gays, lesbians etc in the US
A scene at City Hall in San Francisco
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.
Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."!
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights!
The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
Now you would have to guess what could be next.
A scene at City Hall in San Francisco
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.
Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."!
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights!
The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
Now you would have to guess what could be next.
Old Boss Retirement Party
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"
"We will always remember you," etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, Robin, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, Robin wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."
The Beer Festival
After the Great Beer Festival in London, all the brewery bosses decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor! I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender serves him.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery bosses look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Kingfisher?"
"Well," says the Kingfisher Brewery Boss, "if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I!"
Vijay Mallaya... The King of Good Times!
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor! I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender serves him.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery bosses look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Kingfisher?"
"Well," says the Kingfisher Brewery Boss, "if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I!"
Vijay Mallaya... The King of Good Times!
Different forms of Leave Applications
* Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: "Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
* This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
* Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."
* From H.A.L. Administration Dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
* Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
* An incident of a leave letter: "I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
* A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
* One more leave application : "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
* This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
* Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."
* From H.A.L. Administration Dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
* Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
* An incident of a leave letter: "I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
* A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
* One more leave application : "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
Good Luck !
A group of Americans was touring India. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot, It's too cold & the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Khajuraho Temples.
"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Black Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
The group arrived at the site of the famous Khajuraho Temples.
"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Black Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Just Imagine......
.
.
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.
.
The Logon Screen
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.
The Start Menu
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.
.
Windows Famous Error Messages
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.
The Shutdown screen!
Real Tragic
"Get this," said a guy to his friend, "last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything," his friend asked?
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk again."
"Did he get anything," his friend asked?
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk again."
Scuba Diving
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him.
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
Cricketing Interview with Mandira Bedi
1. This is your first stint as commentator. What kind of homework did you do?
I personally want to thank Aamir Khan for creating such a learning tool for me? I've watched Lagaan 15 times so far.
2. How important is it for our cricketers to improve their technique?
I really can't comment on that ... (blushing) ... Oh! That! Yes, it is very important for them to work on their technique constantly ....
3. What are the qualities required in a commentator?
I think most other requirements are obvious, but here's a tip? I've discovered that getting your teeth whitened really helps.
4. How good is your knowledge of cricket?
Better than George Bush's knowledge of geography.
5. Okay, tell us, who's the third man?
Well, in the last match it was Sourav Ganguly. Charu, hey Charu, didn't Sourav bat third in the match against Pakistan?
6. Tut tut, what position does the third man take?
Listen, you go read the Kamasutra. I don't have time for nonsense like this.
7. Mandira, third man is a fielding position. Where does the third man stand?
Oh, you mean that, After the first and the second.
8. Do you know where a cover drive is headed?
I'm afraid in cricket, the ball has a mind of its own, and a lot of the times you have to wait and watch. I'm sorry, I can't help you with that one.
9. What's second slip?
The second time a fielder drops a catch.
10. What's a wide?
Well, Kapil said my neckline was rather wide today ...
11. Female cricket commentators are rare. Who have you modelled yourself on?
Jane Fonda. Do you know how popular her fitness videos are, and since cricket is also about fitness, there could be no one better for me to emulate.
12. Do you feel that cricket is a fair game?
Mostly, but sometimes I feel that there is a loophole. For instance, they say there's a third umpire. But who knows if there's a person inside that screen.
13. People say you have been selected as commentator to titillate the male audience. Is that true?
Really?! But the producers said I had a talent ...
14. People are looking forward to your outfit for the finals ... What will you be wearing for the match?
Whether India reaches the finals or not, I will show my patriotism by wearing a designer ghaghra choli in tricolour.
15. That strapped choli you wore the other day... isn't it cold in the studio?
Not at all. In fact, it's rather hot. Have you noticed how Srikkanth and Kapil melt like wax candles while they're around me?
16. How do you prepare for matches?
I first find out who is playing against whom, and in all fairness wish both teams all the best. And, if India is playing, I sing a special Hum honge kamyaab.
Discussing
Three guys are discussing women.
"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."
He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head!!!"
"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."
He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head!!!"
Bed room conversation !
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Bill and Bob
Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?
Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife. Bob: Whadaya mean?
Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.
Bob: What about me?
Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.
Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...
Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!
At Bill's house:
Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?
Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife. Bob: Whadaya mean?
Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.
Bob: What about me?
Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.
Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...
Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!
At Bill's house:
Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!
Show Off
At a summit meeting (during Zail Singhs presidency) Indira Gandhi, Ronald Reagan and Helmut Kohl were talking among themselves and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.
Reagan: In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms, so we attached artificial arms on him. Now that hes grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medalist at that.
Kohl: Thats nothing to that we have done. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs, so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time marathon gold medalist in the Olympics.
Indira Gandhi: Is that all you have - just gold medalists? In Punjab, we had a baby boy born without a head. We attached a coconut and put a turban on it so that people wouldnt know. Now he is president of India.
Reagan: In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms, so we attached artificial arms on him. Now that hes grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medalist at that.
Kohl: Thats nothing to that we have done. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs, so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time marathon gold medalist in the Olympics.
Indira Gandhi: Is that all you have - just gold medalists? In Punjab, we had a baby boy born without a head. We attached a coconut and put a turban on it so that people wouldnt know. Now he is president of India.
The Dark Truth
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation:
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.
Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.
Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
Santa and Banta
Santa and Banta were hanging upside down on a tree.
Sometime later Santa falls down. On hearing the falling sound Banta asks him, "Oye kya hua?"
Santa replies, "Oye yaar, pak gaya tha!"
Sometime later Santa falls down. On hearing the falling sound Banta asks him, "Oye kya hua?"
Santa replies, "Oye yaar, pak gaya tha!"
A Royal Joke
Prince Charles is driving his Land Rover to Sandringham to see his mum. He enters the gate and waves at the guard, just as he pulls onto the driveway he feels a *bump* and a high-pitched howling noise. He quickly stops the car and gets out, to his horror he sees one of his mums Corgis badly crushed under the wheel of the car.
The poor dog is already dead and Prince Charles does not know what to do. His mum will be heart broken and she will be very upset with him.
Just then there was a bright flash and *pooof* a beautiful fairy appeared floating in front of him.
"Who are you?" Asked Prince Charles
"I'm your fairy godmother" she replied in a soft voice "I sensed you were in need and am here to grant you any wish you desire".
"Any wish I desire" repeated Prince Charles What luck!
Well as you can see I just ran over one of mums dogs and she will be most upset. So please, can you bring the doggy back to life?"
The fairy godmother took out her magic wand and walked over to the squashed Corgi and after looking at it for a while she said "It is very errrr, squashed and I'm afraid my fairy magic has its limits you know. Isn't there anything else you desire, another wish I could grant you?"
Prince Charles scratched his head and thought about it for awhile. "Ah ha," he said, "I know what I would like to wish for. Please can you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana was?"
The fairy godmother had a stunned look on her face, she paused for a second, and said, "Well, perhaps I could have another try at the dog."
The poor dog is already dead and Prince Charles does not know what to do. His mum will be heart broken and she will be very upset with him.
Just then there was a bright flash and *pooof* a beautiful fairy appeared floating in front of him.
"Who are you?" Asked Prince Charles
"I'm your fairy godmother" she replied in a soft voice "I sensed you were in need and am here to grant you any wish you desire".
"Any wish I desire" repeated Prince Charles What luck!
Well as you can see I just ran over one of mums dogs and she will be most upset. So please, can you bring the doggy back to life?"
The fairy godmother took out her magic wand and walked over to the squashed Corgi and after looking at it for a while she said "It is very errrr, squashed and I'm afraid my fairy magic has its limits you know. Isn't there anything else you desire, another wish I could grant you?"
Prince Charles scratched his head and thought about it for awhile. "Ah ha," he said, "I know what I would like to wish for. Please can you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana was?"
The fairy godmother had a stunned look on her face, she paused for a second, and said, "Well, perhaps I could have another try at the dog."
Simple Truth
Wife: Suna hai swarg mein husband-wife ko sath nahi rahene dete hai. Aaisa kyu?
Husband: Are pagli, isi liye to use Swarg kehte hai...!
Are you frustrated with your boss?
HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Boss"
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Boss"
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
Hot Rhyme
On the breast of a lady named Gail
Was tattoed the price of her tail
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
Was tattoed the price of her tail
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
How are a woman and a frying pan similar?
Question. How are a woman and a frying pan similar?
Answer. You have to get both of them hot before you put the meat in.
Wife.....
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Deserted
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.
The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband.
He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-bitch! From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.
The Hard On
This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.
After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.
He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.
He kicks her in the face.
The Habitual Mistake
An employee walks into the Accounts office and says "What is the meaning of this. I have been paid $200 less than what was decided upon."
The Accountant replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month."
The employee snaps back "Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report."
The Accountant replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month."
The employee snaps back "Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report."
An Honest Man's Fishing trip!
Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite.
On his way home, he stopped at the store and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman,
"Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok Mister but, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
On his way home, he stopped at the store and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman,
"Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok Mister but, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
Fast Food Job Application
NAME: Fred
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
Please income
Santa got his promotion and becomes an officer in Punjab Government, to keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his subordinates.
One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, "Why are you outstanding! Please income."
One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, "Why are you outstanding! Please income."
Two Sperms
Once a young guy was basking at the beach, and inside his cock their were two sperms were fighting with each other ...
One said,"i'm future president of this country".
Second exploded,"hah!what president...i'm future PM of this country.President is only for name sake...."
As fight was on...a really sexy blonde ..with top less passed by... and that poor chap hedid'nt had any options....he masturbated.
Both sperms cameout in jiffy. very dejected and dissappointed....
one of them said,"sale ne, do minute ke maaje ke liya career cahupate kar diya".
One said,"i'm future president of this country".
Second exploded,"hah!what president...i'm future PM of this country.President is only for name sake...."
As fight was on...a really sexy blonde ..with top less passed by... and that poor chap hedid'nt had any options....he masturbated.
Both sperms cameout in jiffy. very dejected and dissappointed....
one of them said,"sale ne, do minute ke maaje ke liya career cahupate kar diya".
Builder and Destroyer
Builder and Destroyer
A girl asked, Who is the greatest terrorist of all?
The man replied, "A woman. You see she knocks of one tower every night."
The woman replied, "Ya and sure enough a man is the greatest re builder of all. He erects one tower a night."
A girl asked, Who is the greatest terrorist of all?
The man replied, "A woman. You see she knocks of one tower every night."
The woman replied, "Ya and sure enough a man is the greatest re builder of all. He erects one tower a night."
Gender Of Computer
A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
* In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
* They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
* They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
* As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
* No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
* The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
* Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
* As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
* In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
* They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
* They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
* As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
* No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
* The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
* Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
* As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Second Hand
Second Hand
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
After knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"
To which the new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new."
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
After knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"
To which the new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new."
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.
Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?"
The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?"
The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
Dentist
A Lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.
"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynaecologist?s office is one level higher."
To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynaecologist?s office is one level higher."
To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
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