* 40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-year-old
* Athletic... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
* Average-looking... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back
* Educated... Will always treat you like an idiot
* Free Spirit... Sleeps with your sister
* Friendship First... As long as friendship involves nudity
* Fun... Good with a remote and a six-pack
*Huggable... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
* Like to cuddle.... Insecure, overly dependent
* Open-minded... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
* Physically fit... I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself
* Poet... Has written on a bathroom stall
* Spiritual... Once went to church with my grandmother on Easter Sunday
* Stable... Occasional stalker, but never arrested
* Thoughtful... Says "Please" when demanding a beer!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Politically correct usage when talking to/about females:
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
The Lamp II
A guy finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie pops out and says "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thinks and thinks and finally gives his answer:
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "Okay, if you say so," the genie replied. And POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "Okay, if you say so," the genie replied. And POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.
The Monastery's Real Suspense
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about this crazy task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
But can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about this crazy task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
But can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
You are a desi when:
You keep switching your internet service provider because first month is free.
You have a bucket in your bath tub.
You have taken pictures of your car and mailed to your folks back home.
You've bookmarked immigration web pages in your browser.
You have collected enough frequent flier miles for a international trip.
You ask for small drink at fast food restaurant because the refill is free.
You talk to Americans as if you represent your whole country.
You ask before eating any meat "Is this beef?"
You have a bucket in your bath tub.
You have taken pictures of your car and mailed to your folks back home.
You've bookmarked immigration web pages in your browser.
You have collected enough frequent flier miles for a international trip.
You ask for small drink at fast food restaurant because the refill is free.
You talk to Americans as if you represent your whole country.
You ask before eating any meat "Is this beef?"
Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls"
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!
Interesting Fact
We thought our Indian players didnt play well..it was ALL in the name!
Teams that went to the Super Six : Australia, India, Kenya, Sri Lanka, New Zealand and Zimbabwe
Semi Finals: Only countries whose name ended with A went into the Semi-Finals
1. Australia
2. India
3. Kenya
4. Sri Lanka
(New Zealand and Zimbabwe did not have A at their end)
Finals: Only countries whose names ended with IA went into the Final
1. Australia
2. India
(Kenya and Sri Lanka did not have IA at their end)
Who took the Cup ? : KisneWorld Cup "Lia" ? Austra"lia"
Who gave the Cup ? : Kisne World Cup "Dia" ? In"dia
Teams that went to the Super Six : Australia, India, Kenya, Sri Lanka, New Zealand and Zimbabwe
Semi Finals: Only countries whose name ended with A went into the Semi-Finals
1. Australia
2. India
3. Kenya
4. Sri Lanka
(New Zealand and Zimbabwe did not have A at their end)
Finals: Only countries whose names ended with IA went into the Final
1. Australia
2. India
(Kenya and Sri Lanka did not have IA at their end)
Who took the Cup ? : KisneWorld Cup "Lia" ? Austra"lia"
Who gave the Cup ? : Kisne World Cup "Dia" ? In"dia
CRICKET: As explained to a foreigner....
You have two sides, one out in the field and one on in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of game.
* An American had been to go to a cricket match while he was in England. He watched with pleasure as the team came out and the batsmanscored four runs off the six balls. then the umpire called "OVER". "Well", he said, getting up, "It's a nice game-but it's too short."
Funny Short Forms of IT Companies
1. NIIT: Not Interested in IT
2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
3. HCL: Hidden Costs & Losses
4. TCS: Totally Confusing Solutions
5. INFOSYS: Inferior Offline Systems
6. HUGHES: Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
7. BAAN: Beggars Association And Nerds
8. IBM: Implicitly Boring Machines
9. SATYAM: Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
10. PARAM: Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
11. C-DOT: Coffee During Office Timings
12. CMC: Coffee, Meals and Comfort
13. DELL: Deplorable Equipment & lacklusters
14. PSI: Peculiar Symptoms of India.
15. ORACLE: On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.
2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
3. HCL: Hidden Costs & Losses
4. TCS: Totally Confusing Solutions
5. INFOSYS: Inferior Offline Systems
6. HUGHES: Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
7. BAAN: Beggars Association And Nerds
8. IBM: Implicitly Boring Machines
9. SATYAM: Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
10. PARAM: Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
11. C-DOT: Coffee During Office Timings
12. CMC: Coffee, Meals and Comfort
13. DELL: Deplorable Equipment & lacklusters
14. PSI: Peculiar Symptoms of India.
15. ORACLE: On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.
Akbar and Salim
Shahenshah Akbar finds out about Salim's affair with Anarkali. In grave anger, he calls for his son, his voice thundering through the halls of the palace....
Akbar: "Salim! Idhar Aao"
Salim: "Jee Jahaan-Panaah"
Akbar: "Salim!!! tum ne do paise ki choot ke liye mughal sultanat ki maa chodh di...."
Salim...now obviously equally angry replies: "Jahaan-panaah..Kya hum ne aap ka thaanaa??? Agar aap ka Lund lund...to kya humara lund rataalu??? Humara lund jo ho khadaa...to kya aap ki gaand mein daaloo???"
Akbar disgusted with his son, complains to his wife..Jodhabai: "Maharani Jodha...kya hum ne aapko is din ke liye chodha...ki humari aulaad, humari gand mein ungali kare, aur usme se bagaawat ki boo aaye."
Maharani Jodha gets all worked up and angry and orders: "Sipaahiyoon, Salim ko jhaaton ki Zanjeeron mein jakad lo, aur Anarkali ki baudi mein daal do."
Akbar: "Salim! Idhar Aao"
Salim: "Jee Jahaan-Panaah"
Akbar: "Salim!!! tum ne do paise ki choot ke liye mughal sultanat ki maa chodh di...."
Salim...now obviously equally angry replies: "Jahaan-panaah..Kya hum ne aap ka thaanaa??? Agar aap ka Lund lund...to kya humara lund rataalu??? Humara lund jo ho khadaa...to kya aap ki gaand mein daaloo???"
Akbar disgusted with his son, complains to his wife..Jodhabai: "Maharani Jodha...kya hum ne aapko is din ke liye chodha...ki humari aulaad, humari gand mein ungali kare, aur usme se bagaawat ki boo aaye."
Maharani Jodha gets all worked up and angry and orders: "Sipaahiyoon, Salim ko jhaaton ki Zanjeeron mein jakad lo, aur Anarkali ki baudi mein daal do."
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