Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!

Special Classes for Men!

Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?

Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?

Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.

Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.

Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.

Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.

Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?

Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Obviously written by some male chauvinist - hope you can 'handle it'?

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than half of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ...and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Unlocking Men - Translations for Men

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say!

IT'S A GUY THING
Translated:* There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
Translated:* Why isn't it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
Translated:* I have no idea how it works.

TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.
Translated:* I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.
Translated:* Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.
Translated:* I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned but I forgot your birthday.

OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
Translated:* I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.
Translated:* And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CAN'T FIND IT.
Translated:* It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Translated:* What did you catch me at?

I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
Translated:* No one will ever see us alive again.

WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.
Translated:* I make the messes; she cleans them up.

Tid-Bits

Q: Whats the similarity between women and tornado?
A: They both blow you and take you house away....


Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.


One more: "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."

Real Tragic

"Get this," said a guy to his friend, "last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything," his friend asked?

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk again."

Wife.....

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Builder and Destroyer

Builder and Destroyer

A girl asked, Who is the greatest terrorist of all?

The man replied, "A woman. You see she knocks of one tower every night."

The woman replied, "Ya and sure enough a man is the greatest re builder of all. He erects one tower a night."

Gender Of Computer

A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.

To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

* In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

* They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

* They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

* As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

* No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

* The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

* Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

* As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.