Heaven Or Hell Which Is Better?

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

President Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

President Clinton: Why's that?

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

President Clinton: You're a day late.

Ballerina....!.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

However, down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

"As far as I'm concerned," the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Why One Should Listen To Gossip

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".

"Triple filter?"

That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the Filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife.

Ramesh Football

Mother - What's the matter, Ramesh?
Ramesh - I'm bored
Mother - Why don't you go and play football with Mahesh?
Ramesh - I'm tired of kicking him around!!

My Wife is Missing!

A man calls into the police station and says,
"My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month." "Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

Practicing

A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up a storm. He is using every bad word in the book. The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on. She finds her husband just sitting on the bed. She asks her husband, "honey, what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?" The husband looks up and replies, "no, I'm fine. I'm just practicing." The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and said, "practicing? Practicing for what?" Then the husband says, "India-Australia Cricket series starts tomorrow!"

Stupid Shayaries

Door se dekha to kuchh dikha nahi...
Dooor se dekhaaa...
to kuchh dikha nahi...
Paas jake dekhaa to kuchh tha hi nahi

Door se dekha to Patthhar dikhta tha...
Dooor se dekha...
to Patthharr dikhtaa thaa...
Paas jake dekha to...
suchmuch Patthhar hi thaa.

Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha Paas gaya...
to bheeg gaya.

Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahi

When Bill met Monica...Bollywood Ishtyle

It all began on a day when Bill sat in the Oval Office and sang a number from Jewel Thief "Yeh Bill na hota bechara, kadam na hote awara," At that moment, Monica who was passing by the room, heard it and responded lustily from the corridor-"Bill, dhak dhak karne laga,mora jiyara darne laga.." And Bill, brimming with thrill, rushed to open the door, opened it and then realised that he is the President.

So he paused and looked helplessly at her (like Ajay Devgan in "pyaar to hona hi tha") but Monica could hear Kumar Sanu's song in the back ground "Jab kisi ki taraf Bill Jhukne lage, baat agar juban par rukne laga, bol do ke tumne pyar hone lage.." she was touched though he wasn't touching her yet, and said,"Dil Bill, pyaar vyar main kya janoo re.."

The next minute, when he saw the glint in her eyes, He realised there was hope and he gazed into Monica's eyes (like Bobby Deol in Kareeb, and sang "Chori chori jab Bill ne kaha, chori chori jab nazarein mili, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"Then he pulled her into his office (thinking Amir Khan in Ghulam) "Aankhon se toone yehkya keh diya ?" he asked her softly. "Bill ye deewana machalne laga.." Monica picked the cue and replied. "Yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hota na tha, mein hoon kahan main janoo na.." Bill closed the door of his office and turned to her with a mischevious smile-"Hum tum ek kamre mein bandh ho, aur chabi kho jaye.." The rest is History. But as something happened inside the oval office on that fateful day the security guards only heard AR Rahman's full throated title "Bill se, Bill se, Bill se...Bill to akhir Bill hai na.."

IT MUST BE TRUE, IT'S IN THE BIBLE

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Good Luck !

A group of Americans was touring India. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot, It's too cold & the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Khajuraho Temples.

"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Black Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Man Of The Year...

The MAN of the year award goes to..

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Bed room conversation !

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.

Husband: There. Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Bill and Bob

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.

Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?

Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife. Bob: Whadaya mean?

Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.

Bob: What about me?
Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.

Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...
Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!

At Bill's house:

Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!

Show Off

At a summit meeting (during Zail Singhs presidency) Indira Gandhi, Ronald Reagan and Helmut Kohl were talking among themselves and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.

Reagan: In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms, so we attached artificial arms on him. Now that hes grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medalist at that.

Kohl: Thats nothing to that we have done. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs, so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time marathon gold medalist in the Olympics.

Indira Gandhi: Is that all you have - just gold medalists? In Punjab, we had a baby boy born without a head. We attached a coconut and put a turban on it so that people wouldnt know. Now he is president of India.

A Royal Joke

Prince Charles is driving his Land Rover to Sandringham to see his mum. He enters the gate and waves at the guard, just as he pulls onto the driveway he feels a *bump* and a high-pitched howling noise. He quickly stops the car and gets out, to his horror he sees one of his mums Corgis badly crushed under the wheel of the car.

The poor dog is already dead and Prince Charles does not know what to do. His mum will be heart broken and she will be very upset with him.

Just then there was a bright flash and *pooof* a beautiful fairy appeared floating in front of him.

"Who are you?" Asked Prince Charles

"I'm your fairy godmother" she replied in a soft voice "I sensed you were in need and am here to grant you any wish you desire".

"Any wish I desire" repeated Prince Charles What luck!

Well as you can see I just ran over one of mums dogs and she will be most upset. So please, can you bring the doggy back to life?"

The fairy godmother took out her magic wand and walked over to the squashed Corgi and after looking at it for a while she said "It is very errrr, squashed and I'm afraid my fairy magic has its limits you know. Isn't there anything else you desire, another wish I could grant you?"

Prince Charles scratched his head and thought about it for awhile. "Ah ha," he said, "I know what I would like to wish for. Please can you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana was?"

The fairy godmother had a stunned look on her face, she paused for a second, and said, "Well, perhaps I could have another try at the dog."

Wife.....

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

The Habitual Mistake

An employee walks into the Accounts office and says "What is the meaning of this. I have been paid $200 less than what was decided upon."

The Accountant replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month."

The employee snaps back "Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report."

An Honest Man's Fishing trip!

Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite.

On his way home, he stopped at the store and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman,

"Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"

"Ok Mister but, why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

Fast Food Job Application

NAME: Fred

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.